Vicious by Lou Reed
(1942-2013 RIP)(Ups to CBM on the recco)
(N.B. I realized after reading what’s to follow that some of you might think that I’m violating one of the two Ted R. Smith Rule of Family Functions. However, please know this is not my intent. I’m not offering an opinion or advocating for an opinion. Well, I guess I am offering an opinion, but it’s not really a political one. I’m offering an opinion about idiocy.)
Legend has it (N.B. I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to start a WD with those three words.) before the battle of Thermopylae in 480 B.C., where 300 soldiers from Sparta were sent on a suicide mission to delay the Persian army of Xerxes as they attempted to invade the Greek mainland, that Xerxes first offered terms of surrender to the Spartans. These terms included an entreaty for the Spartans to turn over their weapons lest they be decimated by the Persian’s vastly superior force.
The Spartan leader, King Leonidas’ response to this offer has been etched into the annals of history. Molon Labe. Roughly from the GreekL Come and get them. If you’re up on your history (N.B. J. Rufus Fears) or your shirtless comic book violence porn movies, you know that Xerxes army did go and get the Spartans’ weapons and eventually won the battle of Thermopylae but not before suffering immense losses and great delay in their invasion plans which ultimately led to the Greeks repelling the Persians from their homeland.
Today, King Leonidas’ famous line in the sand has been adopted by paranoid gun nuts. (N.B. This is where this gets tricky. Ya see, I like guns. I like shooting them. I think they’re fun. I have two of them. I like having one in my house. My conceal carry license application is with the OSBI right now. So that’s why what you are about to read is not WD weighing in on either side of the gun debate in America. So spare me your eye rolls.)
Recently I’ve seen Molon Labe plastered on the rear windows and tailgates of more Ford F150’s in my fair state than I care to count. And my guess is it’s probably been tattooed on one too many necks and biceps as well.
I can hear them. Molon Labe. Come and take my gun Obama. I dare ya. Molon Labe. Let me live out my Michael Bay directed redneck wet dream of fighting off an oppressive government determined to take the guns from my cold dead hands. Molon Labe. Do you have any idea how much tougher I am than you, effete liberal? Look at all these guns. Molon Labe. I know my history too. And Molon Labe is a cool way for me to let you know that and to signal the other gun owners that I’m one of us. Molon Labe.
Here’s why I find this bastardization of history hilarious. What does Molon Labe presume? It presumes that the government will someday begin house-by-house searches for guns so they can seize them and melt them down into rebar to be used in the construction of multi-cultural gender identity clinics on Main Street of every town in America. Yes?
It presumes that if you don’t turn you guns over as requested, that the government will begin door by door seizure raids where they break down your doors during shells’n’cheese Thursday before Duck Dynasty comes on (N.B. Sorry baby. I love you) and grab your guns. Molon Labe is the gun owner telling the world that he won’t allow that to happen and that he’ll fight the government to the death to keep his guns. Just like King Leonidas.
What intrigues me about this nocturnal emission is the belief that if the government ever did decide to go door to door and seize guns, that they’d send in some mall security guard bureaucrat with a pot belly and a .38 special in a holster (N.B. or Pvt. Bradley/Chelsea Manning, the gay/transgendered/effeminate U.S. military traitor from Crescent Oklahoma once hilariously described on twitter as “the final boss in a conservative video game”) to force you to turn over your weapons. And the Molon Labe’ers are damn sure gonna fight that fat sack of crap so they can continue to stroke their AR-15, after Duck Dynasty.
And what it doesn’t presume and the reason that the fantasy is just that, is that in the cold day in hell that Congress ever passes a law requiring that all citizens turn over their guns and then grants the United States the authority to go door to door to take those guns if gun owners refused to comply, then what makes these gun owners think that they outsource such a task to rent-a-cops/Chelsea Mannings?
No, no, no, bra. Congress passes a law like that, they’re sending in the real military to get the guns. And I don’t know if you’ve been keeping up on current events, but the U.S. military is pretty badass. Zero Dark Thirty? And if the US government decides to send in Seal Team 6 to take your gun safe full of phallic boom booms, let me tell you Molon Labe, you’re giving them up. You’re not fighting because if you try to start fighting, you’re dead. Two in the head for you and your whole family without worry or remorse. That’s how badass our military is.
The irony in this that absolutely kills me is this. One of the reasons our military is so badass is because as a country we spend more on it than the next 11 countries combined, 10 of which are our allies. We spend more on our military than the Gross Domestic Product (N.B. the market value of all officially recognized final goods and services produced within a country in a given period of time) of Saudi Arabia, or Poland, or Norway.
And my assumption is (N.B. and please tell me if I’m wrong) that to a person, if you were to haul one of those Molon Labe’ers out of their F150s and ask them, what do you think the single most important thing the government spends money on is, they’ll say the military.
That’s ironic isn’t it?