Paradise by Coldplay. Coldplay’s new album, bluhbluhblah blublahblah, dropped this week. And, ahem, it sounds like (I didn’t buy, so don’t worry, but I’ve already spent too many of my remaining seconds listening to it) they tried to roofie every conceivable type of inoffensive music, gather it all in all together and then record only the most boring bits. It’s an absolute adult contemporary soft rock nightmare, uninteresting in every conceivable way. It’s so bad that not even Rihanna (who as far as I know up to this point has never sang on a song and not improved it, if not made it really good) could save one of the tracks (Princess of China). I haven’t reviewed any really terrible music in awhile. And this is terrible music at its bland
unassuming self-important best. It’ll win all the Grammys, I’m sure.
As I was repulsed listening to it, I remembered how much I used to like Coldplay before I got cool. They are prolly in the top ten bands I used to like before my coolness intervened, slugging it out with Kings of Leon (who I am now so much too cool for I actually get a little embarrassed by thinking we use to have the same level of coolness) in the top tier of greatest bands I’m now too cool to pretend I like. I’m too cool for the Red Hot Chili Peppers and definitely too cool for Our Lady Peace. I got too cool for Creed faster than they could release a second album. I was too cool to like Kayne for a while, but then he got cooler so now I like him again. I’ve cooled out of and then back into U2 so many times, if wore glasses they’d be fogged over.
Make no mistake, I’m pretty cool, but it comes at a price. At some point, Win Butler will marry Cameron Diaz and then I’ll finally be too cool for Arcade Fire. Then the Black Keys will cancel a concert because of pigeon shit or they’ll be on The View and I’ll be too cool for them too or Drive-by Truckers will drop tracks for the newest Michael Bay blockbuster and my coolness will have hurdled past them as they stand passively by thinking they’re still doing something important. By then I’ll be recommending music from bands so fresh they haven’t even been formed yet, still just ideas set to blossom to unimaginable coolness……until they’re not and then I’ll let you know that too. Enjoy.